y did u give ur computer a hand job?
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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