Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
