meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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