She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
