I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
