This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
