ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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