this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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