I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
