Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
