Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
