i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
