Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
