Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
