so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
