The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
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