My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just found a bag of teeth...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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