Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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