grandma shit on top of the toilet
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you win again, gameday.
the day after is always just damage control
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
