i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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