Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
