I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
