I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
