i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
