I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
