Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
