they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I want her autograph on my taint
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
