i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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