his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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