just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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