i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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