Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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