How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
