Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
