Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
