im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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