I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
