The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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