My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
