Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
