I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
