Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
