if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
