Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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