We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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