I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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