I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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