He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
