As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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