Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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