yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
