WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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