I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
