Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Less talking, more tequila
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
