did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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