things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
