He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
