is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
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