Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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