Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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