omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
