We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
