I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
