Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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