I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
