haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
