she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
